Church Hijinks

Church Hi-Jinks

I didn’t go to church this week, but have gone most Sundays of my life and observed some very funny things there. For instance, I once read an article in a magazine that said that most married couples have sex on Saturday night. I thought it was very interesting to look around the congregation and pick out the couples that obviously did have sex the night before. You could always tell by the exchanged glances, the closeness with which they sat, the little rubbing of their partner’s shoulder.

My husband belonged to an irreverent group of men when I first married. They consisted of the local high school football coach, the owner of the local dance hall, (a person who the minister considered was going to hell in a bread basket) and Grandpa (who one time walked right into church smoking his pipe) and a few others. They sat in the back of the church and talked football or whatever right during the service. One time, the pastor pointed them out and asked them if they wanted to come up to the front and carry on the service inasmuch as they had so much to say.

Some of these men also served as ushers from time to time, and as soon as the service started, they went across the street to have coffee! It so happened that we had an influx of late comers and when the pastor called for the ushers to get more chairs there wasn’t an usher to be found. Next Sunday was spent stating new rules for the ushers; they were to remain at their posts during the whole church service.

As I said before, my husband was extremely irreverent and one time we went to a neighboring church. There the minister, who resembled Colonel Klink, gave the announcements, read the epistle and then crossed the nave to read the gospel. Did he sit down? No, then he got up and directed the choir. At that, my husband leaned over and whispered (in a voice that carried) “All he needs is a broom up his butt and he can sweep the floor while he is at it!”

Just last Sunday my son took me to a Lutheran church I have never been to before. My COPD was acting up so I sat during the “Lutheran Aerobics” as my son likes to call them. (They do stand up and sit down a lot) But, the guy in front of me had his jeans hanging down low (if you get my drift) and every time he stood up, I had this crack staring at me in the face.

I had a neighbor once who was not a swearing person ordinarily, but she did have a favorite expression for when she was frustrated. Trying her best to do whatever the task was at hand, she would finally throw her hands up in defeat and say. “Oh, piss on it.” Somehow this transferred itself to the Christmas carol, “It Came upon the Midnight Clear”, and it ruined the lovely carol for me forever. Whenever it came to the part where it says, “Peace on the earth good will toward men” she and I would break up every time.

I leave you with the story of the time we went to church for the first time in Denver. We had just moved from Minnesota and things had not been easy. Jordan at 3 had almost died of food poisoning and we almost lost the house we had bought from a crooked contractor. We came to church to find some solace. When the pastor announced the special music for this Sunday, two ladies stood up, patted their hair, cleared their throats and proceeded to sing “Whispering Hope” in the most off-key voices Jon and I had ever heard. “Wheesp-er-ing hoooope!” We broke into that kind of helpless laughter that you try to quell but cannot control with the whole pew shaking further and further. To our frazzled minds and psyches it let loose a lot of the angst and the pain we had experienced the past week and we continued successfully with our lives in Denver. Did find another church, however.

How many funny things have you witnessed in church? Or elsewhere?